This is an oldie, but a goodie. I wrote this ad to sell a freezer on Craigslist about five years ago. It may be my greatest work ever. The freezer sold within a couple of hours of being listed for the full asking price.

I am not a serial killer,1 but if I were, this would be the freezer I would need (yes- NEED) in order to store dead bodies effectively until I could dispose of them without arousing suspicion.2

A person could also be a work-at-home mortician and find this an effective, and tax-deductible, home freezer unit if they needed to bring work home on the weekends… or start a side gig. I don’t know your life, you do you, bro.

There are legitimate reasons to measure this deep-freezer in man-sized proportions is all I’m saying. It is a more effective unit of measurement for proper visualization of just how big this freezer is than telling you the actual measurements.3

Visualize 6 of my 6 ft tall ex-husband in there, for instance, laid flat on top of one another, easily shutting the lid and from the outside, no one would ever know. There would be room for ice cream still, or at least popsicles. 4

Full disclosure, I’ve never been a serial killer or a work-at-home mortician, but I did use to be Mormon, which is almost the same thing… except that you store a year’s worth of food waiting for the zombie Jesus apocalypse and freezing is a pretty great way to store your side of cow5 for the year… and I’m not kidding.

The freezer works great, even if it looks a little beat up. 6

No longer being Mormon, and also being divorced, means I no longer need a large freezer to store copious amounts of food… or ex-husbands.7 The freezer has an alarm to warn when it’s too warm. 8 While ugly, it does its job of freezing things- plus it comes with storage baskets!

$200, cash only because I’m no dummy.

Pick-up only, including loading it your damn self- or with your cute boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m a fat-assed old lady with a bad back and a drinking problem- not an appliance mover.

Dimensions: 6 man x 6 men x X-men

  1. I promise»
  2. Really really, promise. There have only been the carcasses of pigs, cows and chickens in this freezer- no humans.»
  3. Plus I really don’t want to go out to the garage to measure it- it’s a bajillion degrees in Arizona right now.»
  4. Now that is creepy- can you imagine if there were 5 more of my ex-husband running around? **shudder**»
  5. We named her Bessie and she was delicious.»
  6. I was a good Mormon but not a great driver- and the freezer sat in the garage right in front of where the minivan went.»
  7. No ex-husbands were injured in the writing of this ad.»
  8. Damn kids leave the lid open sometimes right?»