This is an ad for a couch I sold on Facebook Marketplace in April of 2021. The couch sold in less than 10 minutes of the listing – for full asking price. Within the first hour I had five people on my waitlist, hoping the people before them were no shows.

Six years ago I was shopping for the perfect couch to purchase as a celebratory “I’m getting divorced!” present to myself. 

I shopped and shopped and just couldn’t find the perfect couch. Something that would be the anchor in my new place. A spot to gather my children as we regrouped and tried to build our new normal, whatever that was supposed to mean.

I couldn’t have told you exactly what that looked like, but I knew what it would *feel* like. Freedom. Independence. Choosing furniture that I didn’t have to compromise one with someone who managed to ruin all the fun things.

Discouraged at my inability to find that perfect couch, despite having sat on nearly all of them, I was equally frustrated that life continued to not quite turn out how I’d planned.  

Emotionally and physically exhausted by the hardest several weeks of my life, I continued to wander aimlessly around American Furniture Warehouse to avoid the house I was sharing with my soon-to-be-ex husband for two more days. 

It was then that I saw it. A vision of the most beautifully horrific burnt orange the world had ever seen – outside of 1978 at least.

Despite the color it was the oversized sectional of my dreams. If American Furniture Warehouse were the Tinder for couches I was swiping right, playing fast, loose and dangerous with my heart. It was the exact opposite of every piece of furniture I had ever purchased in my adult life, which was exactly what I was looking for.

Could I be that daring with such a large purchase? Was this the new me? As I sank down into the corner of the couch, I put my feet up on the ottoman and fell in love… and fell asleep. 

When I woke up I was dreaming of ways to work a 70’s burnt orange into my intended color palette. With the right throw pillows and artwork, it might just work. Right? 

What’s $1800 for the most comfortable piece of furniture known to women? Who cared if it was the color pallet of my birth year? That just proved it was meant to be. 

Impulse purchase? No.

Statement piece? Yes.

That’s what this was. A bold statement for my bold new beginning. 

Could a couch really do all of this? Was I expecting too much?

This couch would represent the new me. The bright, beautiful bird I was, now free of the cage built of browns and beiges that I’d been forced to live with during the 15 years I was married to a sensible (boring) accountant. 

Me? I was creative and artistic. A writer and a stand up comedian. I was now a single woman who could buy furniture that was just as daring as the life I wanted to lead. As I leapt off the cliff of what appeared to be a “stable” marriage and into the unknown to find my own happiness, this would be one more thing my friends and family wouldn’t really understand about me, and I was okay with that. 

This couch made me sing! I WAS IN LOVE! It wasn’t ugly, it was my baby! I needed it and everything it represented.

I bought it with no regrets… except one. The orange floor model wasn’t for sale. They didn’t even have one available to  deliver for several months. But the same couch, in a beautiful slate grey could be delivered next week.

So close universe. So close.     

“Wait!” I can hear you asking, “why is it called the slut couch 1 then?”

I know you were here for some salacious post divorce stories, but we don’t really know each other that well do we? 😉  But that isn’t the real story anyway. 

Where did the name come from then?

You see, I may have been the first person to sit down and fall asleep, but I wouldn’t be the last. This couch tends to have that effect on people. Everyone who has ever napped with her comes back for another cuddle. She’s not judgemental, she’ll let anyone nap with her, even you, if you’re fast enough to claim her. Because of this, we (affectionately) termed her the slut couch.   

This couch isn’t in perfect condition, she’s been through a lot in the last six years. She sags in places she didn’t when she was new. There is a piece in the back that needs to be against a wall because her insides aren’t what they used to be. But who am I to judge? I’m just a lady who pees a little bit when she laughs. Somehow she’s even more comfortable with a few years on her than she was when she was shiny and new. But aren’t we all? 

I’m only getting rid of her because I’m off for a new adventure far away in the Land of Enchantment. The Slut Couch? She’s destined to stay in Arizona to be the perfect addition to someone else’s home. She served her purpose well for that new life I wanted to build. My family learned just how fantastic life is when you get to live it on your terms. She’s hosted many guests as we’ve had pancake parties, sleepovers, extended family hang outs and given us all room to stretch our wings and grow. 

From a smoke-free home with a dog that thinks she’s a people and two cats that are mostly adorable assholes but whose hair has been vacuumed off the couch to the best of my ability. The fabric is in great condition. You’ll need to pick up and bring help to lift it into your truck because I’m an old lady who’s a little broken. 😉    

Dimensions are confusing so they’re in one of the photos for those of you like me that don’t have great spatial visualization abilities. I’ve also included pictures with humans for reference just how big this thing really is. 

Oh, and six years later that marriage is absolutely one of the top three best things I’ve quit in my life. The fantastic new life I planned on building? I’ve managed to do that and then some. Life is beautiful and it’s too short to be with people who want you to be quiet and small because they’re afraid of being in your shadow.  

Xoxo, Amber

  1. This term is used in a reclaimed, sleep positive way. No sex shaming, it’s 2021 afterall.»