This shelf sold in 2019. I still have zero regrets for selling it and despite the shitstorm that was 2020, i’ve yet to see zombies.

Stock photo: Model may be actual zombie in disguise. Who really knows?

There will come a day when you will regret not buying this, I don’t know when that day is because I’m not a freaking psychic. But if there is one thing everyone will be regretting when the zombie apocalypse comes, it will certainly be their lack of organization resulting in improperly rotated canned goods.

That is why you need to buy this Shelf Reliance Zombie Apocalypse Starter Kit today! Get your canned goods in order and keep them in proper rotation so you are eating your food in the most economical order to not only outlast the zombies, but avoid botulism.

Why am I selling this if it’s so necessary to my future happiness? I’m glad you asked. Mostly because I don’t believe in zombies. To be honest, I never did. But my ex-mother-in-law did… in the form of zombie Jesus coming to burn the earth when he came back to show us how much he loved us.1 We were going to need a lot of food while we hid from the heathens who Jesus was burning to show how much he loved them.

But a lot has changed in the last couple of years. I got divorced 2 so I don’t have to keep the weird gifts I received from the ex-in-laws. I have also done a lot of soul searching and I’ve decided I am no longer planning on surviving a zombie apocalypse. You heard me. I’ve decided it’s smarter to just give up in the beginning. Mostly because I think I’d have more fun as a zombie than a survivor, but I’m also a fat old lady who doesn’t run fast. I’m hedging my bets on my zombie skills being more useful than my survival skills.

But that doesn’t mean that YOU have to be a quitter. Be a winner! Buy this awesome starter kit for optimal zombie organization. $200 cash only (they sell for close to $400 elsewhere)

Pick up in Avondale or meet somewhere reasonable to Avondale. Currently disassembled (“no disassemble #5!”), easy to construct. I’ll give you a quick lesson for free!

Specs: Shelf Reliance 72″ #10 can rotation system Some labeling magnets missing

*Stock photo- Model may be actual zombie

  1. Sorry, if you don’t think that’s funny, but I think it’s hilarious.»
  2. my ex had to retain custody of his mom- best part of divorce ever- no more in-laws!»